La Validación
In this podcast created by therapist Maribel Corona you will learn about mental health topics relevant to you, your children, partner, and loved ones. Listen to a new episode weekly to learn about tools that will help you in your personal development. You are in a welcoming, fun space where you are encouraged to feel, think and grow.
Today’s topic is validation.
It is so important when we are in a relationship, whether with ourselves, with our loved ones or with the people in our environment, that we have that ability to validate. It is incredible how many people immediately invalidate themselves, minimize themselves or do what they do with their loved ones without realizing it, and as a therapist it is one of the issues that we identify in therapy as an obstacle in communication. Validating ourselves is simply the fact of recognizing our feelings as valid, that they exist, and that they deserve to be expressed.
Let’s talk about Validation
Imagine that your little one comes back from playing, comes home crying and tells you: “Mommy, the boy told me that I don’t know how to play well!” What would you do? Would you tell him: “Well, I already told you that you should learn to play, you are very selfish and you don’t share”, or “You know what? I’m going to tell the neighbor not to insult my son”, or What did you do to him? that he told you that? Immediately in the example the parents got into the problem-solving channel. But the child came with an emotion and that was left aside.
If we use the concept of validation we can ask the child: How do you feel? or “I see you disappointed or frustrated” or “Please tell me what happened”, and depending on this information, the feeling is accompanied and the goal really is for the child to be able to solve his problems with your support so that he becomes more independent. emotionally and regulate your emotions. Something that validates is:
“I see you are sad, I am so sorry”, “When your friend does not want to play with you, you feel rejected or frustrated”, “Do you want us to do something, or do you just need me to listen to you?” In short, you are trying to validate what he feels, giving names to the feelings and the child can begin to deduce and know those emotions. Once the situation is calmer, you can begin to try to resolve it, if appropriate.
Now we are going to do an example in adolescence.
Imagine that your child says to you: “Why do I have to come back at that time if my friends arrive at another time? And you say to him: “Because I say so! or “Don’t answer me!” or “Who do you think you are?” Those responses invalidate because the boy is simply frustrated because the house rules are different from the friend’s and he is questioning to understand or try to achieve his clear goal. We’re not going to change rules of course, especially if they’re based on logic. But you can change the focus of your intervention, you can say:
“I want you back home at 10:30” and if the son questions you, it’s because he’s frustrated that the party only starts at 10:00 and he’s going to miss something. What emotion would you identify? He may feel frustrated, impatient, resentful, desperate, controlling, etc.
To validate it you can say: “You are frustrated because you want to stay with your friends, but Thursday is during the work week and we want you here at 10:30 because we are all tired, and there is work on Friday, arriving later disturbs our sleep. because we have to wait for you, or if we try to sleep, your arrival will wake us up.”
We are not changing rules when we validate, it is just accompanying the children in their emotions even if it is frustration or annoyance. You are going to say, that doesn’t work, I already spoke nicely. Believe me, it is similar to exercise, only consistency achieves the goal. Validating often increases attachment, understanding and reduces resistance so the results will be long-term. It’s like saying I want to lose weight, but I don’t have consistency in my habits.
Validation as a couple.
Now let’s see how validation can be done with our partner. Imagine that a wife comes home from work and says: “My boss orders me to do everything, I can’t stand it, I hate it so much that he asks me for things at the last minute and then demands that I deliver them quickly, how barbaric I can’t stand it! And her husband answers: “I told you to leave that job, what need do you have to put up with inept people, if you are not going to take my advice, you better not talk to me.” What do you think? Will the wife feel validated? If she makes a comment to you and you validate her emotion and her internal world; You will have a better connection, because you will know your stress and how to support each other. Not solving it because in the end the decision to keep the job falls at the wife’s discretion.
Validation towards ourselves.
Self-validation can be heard as: “I feel very sad, rejected because my partner is not reaching out to me, he is acting very cold and I feel bad.” Instead of saying: “I’m very sensitive and he gets annoyed with me, how selfish I am for asking for so much attention.” Try to identify and express the emotion, if necessary you can try to resolve the situation that is causing the feeling. Another example could be: “I feel angry because my mother (or another family member) demands things from me that I cannot do since I am working” instead of: “What a bad daughter I am for feeling this way.”
For years I have heard people who label themselves or feel bad and will not allow themselves to feel an emotion because they think it affects the label of a good daughter or professional who never complains. Therefore, self-validation can be heard like this:
“I feel frustrated, I have too many things on my list and someone wants to add something that is out of my reach, it makes me resentful that my time is not respected.” We are not resolving the situation yet, we are simply allowing ourselves to feel the emotion and verbalizing it so that it is not repressed.
I hope this Podcast serves as an introduction to the topic and we have many more opportunities to connect and continue learning about how to improve our emotional well-being. Let us remember that the information presented here and on all networks is not a substitute for individual therapy, since each case has its particular characteristics, which may require personalized interventions.
Here I share resources that support the topic.
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child Dr. J. Gottman
Affiliate links
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Dr. John Gottman